“Turn off your flashlight you’re blinding her!”
“I HAVE TO GET A CLOSER LOOK, BILLY!”
“Dear God it’s the avocado isn’t it? It’s because I gave her avocado!”
“It’s probably nothing, Kaye.”
“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!”
Just a snippet of what went down in our household today. Quick caveat, Billy is always really calm in situations like this – while I go into complete panic mode. Don’t think he didn’t care.
Jo got a heat rash because we live in the sweaty armpit of the universe, Florida. In all seriousness, I was really scared. A type of fear I wanted to run from. It was my job to make sure my baby was okay, safe, and healthy. It scared the hell out of me. Not to sound totally morbid, but it’s times like these that make me want to call my mom friends and ask “is it normal to think this?” Visions of the absolute worst starting whirling in my mind. I imagined waking up in the middle of the night to a baby with her throat swollen shut, with a giant rash from head to toe. I’ll say it, I imagined her dying.
It’s something I think about. I don’t know why. Is it normal? Am I awful? When I’m holding her, and rocking her to sleep, sometimes my mind goes to this dark and terrifying place and I start to cry. I hold onto her so tight and I think about what my life would be like, how I wouldn’t survive. I picture her funeral. Oh man. It’s such an awful thing to confess, I admit it. But it’s thoughts like these that made me want to write this blog in the first place. To know that I’m not alone (unless I am, then maybe have me admitted…)
Mom fear and mom guilt. The constant fear that something will go wrong, and the absolute awful gut wrenching feeling that maybe you were the one who caused it. It’s awful. It makes you question every single decision, and want to lock up your tiny human away from all evil and avocado forever. That’s it, she’s never eating anything ever again! She will play inside until she’s 30 and everything will be fine. I PROMISED myself I wouldn’t be a “helicopter mom” but it is so much easier said than done. A scraped knee is one thing, but an allergic reaction (it wasn’t one but I didn’t know that) is terrifying. It’s trial and error at this point, and I’m so afraid something might happen.
But you just have to push past it, you have to faith that the avocado gods will look down on you, pat your tiny human on the head and say “not today, little one.” You have to go into each day thinking everything will be fine because otherwise you’re going to go stir crazy. I always wanted to be the mom who let her babies run around barefoot, if they got a cut who cares…nothing a little Neosporin (sponsorship? 😂) can’t fix! It’s all about the freedom of feeling the grass beneath your feet. But what if the cut got infected? WHAT IF WE HAD TO AMPUTATE HER FOOT? Don’t go there. That’s the bad place.
Today was a little lesson for me. That 1) I have some amazing nurse friends and family, 2) I have some amazing moms I can turn to, 3) I need to chill, and 4) Josie hates the Florida heat as much as I do. ♥️